“You think when you wake up in the mornin yesterday don't count. But yesterday is all that does count. What else is there? Your life is made out of the days it’s made out of. Nothin else.”All of us come from somewhere. Doesn't matter where it is or was really, but what matters is that it happened. Through hardship, insecurity, mistreatment, doubt, or any assortment of factors, some thing has happened to us. What was it exactly? Abuse? Abandonment? Misspoken words or some mistake for an event long past? Could be. Regardless of the cause, we carry those effects on our back every day that we're alive. Like it or not, our past has turned us into whatever being, be it twisted or quasi-normal, that we are. It all comes down to what you choose to do with it, I suppose. Some of us don't look at the past, we move forward regardless. You don't forget it, not by any stretch, but you take it as it is.
"Hey, this happened to me. I'm here now, what's passed is past."
I don't know, I mean that makes sense to me for sure but I can't prescribe to it. Yeah, it's all in the past, but that doesn't mean your demons still don't hover over your shoulders like vultures waiting for the off chance that you let your guard down if only for a moment. The past is always watching, waiting for a moment that it relates to in some way and pounces on it, ruining everything. Come to realize that every action, every event, well, they just move in concentric circles to one another. They coincide, they separate, but they're always there. You can't escape them. Historians always say that those who do not understand history are doomed to repeat it, but history moves separately from our own experience. Hell, history repeats itself for people who understand history anyway so there's little to no chance that recognition is the problem.
Fatalistic thought of the night: We're doomed by our circumstance. The moment we take a step forward, that step echoes through everything. If you don't have that you don't have anything at all. What good does the next step count if you never took the first? Anything you've already done is all that matters. It doesn't matter what you do right now because odds are it's been done either by you or someone else. But what lead you to that? The past, right? Exactly. You can't escape it, no matter how hard you try.
I wear my past like a suit of armor. If my hardships and "tragedies" ever come to repeat themselves, boom. I'm guarded. I've used that hardship to brace me for my future. Does that make me cynical? That I believe so strongly that you can't escape your circles so you just live under the shadow of the looming threat waiting for it to occur?
Short answer: Probably.
I don't know any remedy to that. Not yet anyway. Do I need to remedy it? Should I? Again, probably. But you know, one day it might be nice to stare into that madness of time long passed and realize that it's gone and over with. One day we'll all stare it in the eyes piercing into it with a sharpened blade, echoing Syrio Forel in saying, "Not today."
But for now, I'm going to sleep. I'll let the day become a part of my past, and we'll see just how much it matters come tomorrow.
