Broken Bats and Wet Bleachers

I have had the song "Float On" by Modest Mouse stuck in my head all day. When I was in the car, when I was sitting in the bleachers at the Rockies game, and even walking around Safeway at the end of the night. Even as I'm sitting here while Get Him To The Greek plays in the background all I hear is the chorus.

"And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Now don't you worry we'll all float on"

As it echoed in my mind as we drove home, as the lightning flashed in the distance, I felt so in tune. For the first time in weeks I felt at peace with myself, with my friends. The road stretched out in front of me and I just floated on its concrete path. No worries, no regrets, no second-guessing. It was just me. Things are looking up.

At First

It wasn't the easiest week. Things were getting good, that much is certain, but I had a pretty rough workload and getting through it was a slog to say the very least. In essence, I was working for Wednesday night and all that stood in my way was an exam in Environmental Science. But then, then I could finally go to the Rockies - Giants game, unwind, relax, and kick back with some baseball on a surprisingly cold April night.

Needless to say, I was excited. You know, that's probably an understatement. Anyways, it started with all of us meeting up in the ping pong lounge, laughing, trying to get organized in some semblance of order to get rides together over to the ball park.

We're too gangster for you. I'm also in the rearview mirror

 Next thing I know, I'm sitting in the back of Levi's truck rapping "Teach Me How To Dougie" while we're all sitting back cracking jokes while in traffic. I laid my head back, put my arm out the window periodically, and enjoyed the ride to the park. We got there, and everyone that had come with us was already in the baseball mindset. We were loud, we laughed, and we made our way up to the RockPile. Section 403; Rows 11 and 12.The bleachers were soaked, but luckily Dusty brought a towel, that didn't really work too well. Then he promptly decided to spin it above his head, throwing water over everyone sitting next to him. Then we just kept taking pictures, laughing, and all manner of other loud things that were massively fun.

You know, in the beginning I was still locked in my shell. I was loud... to an extent. But I kept myself in my comfort zone, clapping only when I needed to, keeping my conversation relatively quiet. This was the norm for me, going to an event to have fun with friends and then retreat into my shell when I'm thrust into the public's eye.

But Then

 It looked as though I was sitting at a divide. On my right was my usual attitude at a game. Some cheers, lots of clapping, and conversation relegated to mostly the people around me. On my left, the wildest energy, far beyond anything I thought I could even dream of keeping pace with. Remember my last post Burn, Burn, Burn? Then you'll remember me talking about how I found it difficult keeping up with my friend Sean when, compared to my friends at the baseball game, is relatively subdued. Not only was this an opportunity to pretty much self-advertise previous posts to monger more views, but it also serves as a comparison. At first I felt as though I was a snail trying to keep pace with a rabbit, granted the snail didn't try at the starting line.

I've always wanted to be that left side of myself. Just live along with everyone else. Go with the flow, take everything as it comes. I've always longed to leave behind my insecurities and go. Who cares what anyone else thinks? It took me a long time, but slowly the left side took over. I actually know the exact point where it came in.

It was about halfway through the fifth when a wall of water fell across the park. It was actually hilarious, watching the water fall perfectly in line to our seats from across the field. Everyone scrambled for their umbrellas. We had two. We fit about ten people under them. It was insane, all crowded under the umbrellas, crushing each other and laughing our collective heads off. I don't know, something right there just clicked and my shell ceased to be.

This is proof. You just can't see the overlap from the second umbrella.

So from there on out I was loud, I was laughing with the rest of them. At one point there were some people rooting for the Giants loudly. So I made my friend Dillon laugh by starting a good chant of "We can't hear you" as loud as I could. Granted, I wasn't original as some people had already done that. But hey, I get points for going outside my comfort zone on that one. The night continued on like that, I could be funny without making terrible jokes, I could make people smile just by being a part of something.

That's when the smile started. I can say that it hasn't faded since we left that ballpark. Though, I will admit there were several moments afterwards where I had some doubt. I mean, it's always going to creep back, doubting is what makes me, well, me. Here's the thing, one thing I'm learning is that I don't need to doubt. Life is good, I just have to take part.

And what a life it will be.

And So

We're back to where I started. Floating on with a smile on my face. It's working, too. I've been talkative to a better extent. I've been making less terrible jokes, my head feels clearer. At the risk of sounding like a complete cheese-ball, the skies look a little bluer even when the clouds are rolling in. I feel like the more I keep what I learned at the ballpark, the more things are going to look up for me. For now, I'm going to wrap this up, maybe head to bed or just hang out in the lounge for a little while longer. I still have a goofy smile plastered to my face.

Bring on the TA Interview. Until next time...

Special thanks to Mark Nutting for getting us the tickets to the game, and thanks to Jess Erjavec and Olivia Kilbarger whom I shamelessly stole two pictures from.

Burn, Burn, Burn

"I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like roman candles across the night."

I thought I'd start with a Kerouac quote for this one. Not only because I love this quote, but because I wanted to reflect on people, desires, and why I pursue what I pursue. I also have been dying to write the sentence, "I wish I were Kerouac." for the longest time. I wish I were Kerouac. To a certain extent, I've had a similar journey to him. At least at first, anyway. We both started in New York, I in Beacon and he in Ozone Park. Somehow we both ended up in Denver, Colorado, driven by some manner of wanting to see things; to have new experiences outside of where we were comfortable. We both spent time on the road having new experiences for ourselves, trying to some extent to learn about who we are.

As I'm typing this, I'm feeling as though this will be the hardest post I've done thus far. That's not counting that megalithic Spring Break post that took me an entire week to write. I find this to be difficult in the sense that I don't really know where to begin. Do I begin talking about the words "I shambled after" and then start talking about why I consider myself shambling and why I follow the people I do?

Maybe I can just begin with the life I see in people. Like Kerouac, I have to follow people that have some sort of drive, the ones that hold some sort of continuous fire within that drives them like a steam engine. I can't be with people without drive. I need those people that are inspired, not only to admire them for what they stand for, but also to give myself reason to strive to their heights. I see too many people who just coast through life, they don't want anything. They don't see something and hold it in such high regard that they would do anything to pursue it. Then there are those people that act as though they're driven. You know the type, the guys who traipse around on top of the world all the time yet they have nothing genuine to say. These people put forward the idea that they have ambition, but do they really? Do they have the same fire that others do? If you ask me, I think those people are searching for their fire, trying to find something that they want so badly that they can't let it go. I can't for the life of me think of why they would pretend though, unless it's to compensate that they don't have that same spirit that others seem to possess. Hell, I was the same way. I've learned though, that I have to want everything yet be focused on a goal at the same time otherwise I doom myself to the cycle I talked about in my last post. I love those people that want everything, yet nothing at the same time. Those who have an idea of where they want to be, but don't care as to how they get there practicing some sort of madness along the way.

I want to take a moment here to talk about my friend Sean. Sean has this odd energy about him, that is to say, he doesn't let things bring him down. He could be going through the absolute rock bottom of his life and would walk out of his room with a smile on his face. Recently the two of us went to a Denver Nuggets game about thirteen rows off the floor. The seats were incredible to say the least, and I was excited that I was even invited to go. The game wasn't important though. What was important was seeing Sean outside of the context of school. His academic barriers were down, and we were sitting, laughing, yelling at the game. I learned that night that Sean knows what he wants, he wants to get into Physical Therapy by some way or another. At the same time, he goes outside of his comfort zone to do things. He's always doing things, pursuing what he wants, finding new things to want. At least, that's how I've seen him. If you ask me, that's one of the reasons why I consider him to be a friend. He burns with life, he seizes the opportunity, he shrugs off shortcomings. He's "mad" for everything he desires, and embraces that every day.

This is where shambling after comes into play. I find myself having a hard time keeping up with that manner of energy. I do my best to stay up with them, yet I can't quite pull ahead. What can I do but just attempt to follow in their footsteps, try to burn with the same flame as they do? Okay, I know how that sounds, that I just try to imitate them and stand in their shoes. That's not what I'm saying. I draw from their "madness." I try to use their passion in order to fuel my own when I can't find mine. I see them, and I'm inspired. Inspired not only to find something to want, something to drive me to burn with my own fiery passion.

I'm not mad yet, I don't know how to be mad. As I shamble after them I feel as though I am learning everything I need to. These are the people for me because they teach me how to live as my own person. They've put the roman candle in my hand. All that's left is to light it.

Then I'll burn, burn, burn across the night.

image courtesy of Google Images. No copyright intended.