"I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like roman candles across the night."
I thought I'd start with a Kerouac quote for this one. Not only because I love this quote, but because I wanted to reflect on people, desires, and why I pursue what I pursue. I also have been dying to write the sentence, "I wish I were Kerouac." for the longest time. I wish I were Kerouac. To a certain extent, I've had a similar journey to him. At least at first, anyway. We both started in New York, I in Beacon and he in Ozone Park. Somehow we both ended up in Denver, Colorado, driven by some manner of wanting to see things; to have new experiences outside of where we were comfortable. We both spent time on the road having new experiences for ourselves, trying to some extent to learn about who we are.
As I'm typing this, I'm feeling as though this will be the hardest post I've done thus far. That's not counting that megalithic Spring Break post that took me an entire week to write. I find this to be difficult in the sense that I don't really know where to begin. Do I begin talking about the words "I shambled after" and then start talking about why I consider myself shambling and why I follow the people I do?
Maybe I can just begin with the life I see in people. Like Kerouac, I have to follow people that have some sort of drive, the ones that hold some sort of continuous fire within that drives them like a steam engine. I can't be with people without drive. I need those people that are inspired, not only to admire them for what they stand for, but also to give myself reason to strive to their heights. I see too many people who just coast through life, they don't want anything. They don't see something and hold it in such high regard that they would do anything to pursue it. Then there are those people that act as though they're driven. You know the type, the guys who traipse around on top of the world all the time yet they have nothing genuine to say. These people put forward the idea that they have ambition, but do they really? Do they have the same fire that others do? If you ask me, I think those people are searching for their fire, trying to find something that they want so badly that they can't let it go. I can't for the life of me think of why they would pretend though, unless it's to compensate that they don't have that same spirit that others seem to possess. Hell, I was the same way. I've learned though, that I have to want everything yet be focused on a goal at the same time otherwise I doom myself to the cycle I talked about in my last post. I love those people that want everything, yet nothing at the same time. Those who have an idea of where they want to be, but don't care as to how they get there practicing some sort of madness along the way.
I want to take a moment here to talk about my friend Sean. Sean has this odd energy about him, that is to say, he doesn't let things bring him down. He could be going through the absolute rock bottom of his life and would walk out of his room with a smile on his face. Recently the two of us went to a Denver Nuggets game about thirteen rows off the floor. The seats were incredible to say the least, and I was excited that I was even invited to go. The game wasn't important though. What was important was seeing Sean outside of the context of school. His academic barriers were down, and we were sitting, laughing, yelling at the game. I learned that night that Sean knows what he wants, he wants to get into Physical Therapy by some way or another. At the same time, he goes outside of his comfort zone to do things. He's always doing things, pursuing what he wants, finding new things to want. At least, that's how I've seen him. If you ask me, that's one of the reasons why I consider him to be a friend. He burns with life, he seizes the opportunity, he shrugs off shortcomings. He's "mad" for everything he desires, and embraces that every day.
This is where shambling after comes into play. I find myself having a hard time keeping up with that manner of energy. I do my best to stay up with them, yet I can't quite pull ahead. What can I do but just attempt to follow in their footsteps, try to burn with the same flame as they do? Okay, I know how that sounds, that I just try to imitate them and stand in their shoes. That's not what I'm saying. I draw from their "madness." I try to use their passion in order to fuel my own when I can't find mine. I see them, and I'm inspired. Inspired not only to find something to want, something to drive me to burn with my own fiery passion.
I'm not mad yet, I don't know how to be mad. As I shamble after them I feel as though I am learning everything I need to. These are the people for me because they teach me how to live as my own person. They've put the roman candle in my hand. All that's left is to light it.
Then I'll burn, burn, burn across the night.
No comments:
Post a Comment