This is not a "pity me" blog. This isn't a post where I'm going to make a half-assed attempt at some stupid analogy to describe my life, or somehow try to emulate some author I can only dream of being as great as.
No. This post is just going to be me talking about my thoughts for the past couple of weeks that have only made themselves apparent to me in the past couple of days.
I don't know if my life is heading the direction I want it to anymore. I thought I had it all planned out, political economy major, maybe an internship in Washington DC this summer, somehow winding up in a big corporate firm and wearing a suit and tie until infinity runs out. But as I've been sitting in these upper division courses, I keep becoming more and more unsure. Econometrics, as an example, is more or less an advanced statistics class that deals with the application of economic situations given certain samples of income or otherwise. I read this book and listen in class and it all just seems Greek to me. I can do the homework, but when I think about it, and I really think about it... I don't know if I want to be doing math the rest of my life.
In high school, I hated math. Math was always the bane of my existence. The class where I had the lowest grades consistently was always a class with a mathematical slant. Yet here I sit, contemplating a math minor because having an economic based major essentially demands it. I feel like high school version of me would grab me by the shoulders and scream, "What are you doing" over and over again until the message got through. I remember being excited going off to college because I saw that I only needed 3 credit hours to graduate, and then never having to do math again. Now it seems I'd be forced to dive head first back into it. Point is, I just can't seem to make forcing myself to do something I hate a logical action. I keep feeling like if I had to pore over data sets day in and day out for the rest of my life I would hate it. That's not to mention in my International Political Economy class I feel like I'm not making these seemingly basic connections between events, treaties, and economic functions that after rigorous semesters exploring those very same connections I should be making. Every lecture I feel like I'm a step behind when I should be right on stride. I'm even ahead in the readings and still feel that way.
But what can I do? I've been going over everything in my head that I've ever liked, everything that I've ever been good at, and (risking sounding like a pity-seeker) I'm not finding much that's within reach.
I'll make that a bit more specific:
1) I love to write, but let's face it; trying to make a major, a career, is a massive risk. I don't even consider myself to be good enough to even make that happen. These posts that I do are quite literally the only things I have ever finished in writing (not counting academic essays, of course). Even if I somehow managed to make it onto some media outlet as a film critic, all of my film "reviews" that I've done have been oral, and my one that I did write down came off as sarcastic and angry. I honestly don't think I could write as a sarcastic, cynical, angry person more than once and be pleased.
2) Back when I was a kid I loved the idea of being an astronaut. But... seriously, that just means more math. A lot more. Not to mention military air force training which, despite having had family in the air force, I'm really not keen on doing. I know military service would not be for me in the very least, so to jump into that wouldn't be the smartest idea in my mind. Besides that and the math would also be the sciences that I'd have to be incredibly learned in. Geology, astronomy, biology, chemisty, physics, all of those are really, really not my speed. I've tried them with mixed results. For every biology class I've done decently in there was a chemistry or physics class that I completely bombed. I shudder to think of the mechanics and precision required in NASAs work.
3) I've already kind of mentioned film, but it deserves its own category. I love movies, I love talking about them, watching them, writing about them, just about everything about the art of film I am head over heels in love with. So wouldn't it make sense for me to want to be involved in that process? I mean, that sounds so awesome to me so why not go for it? I go to a liberal arts school. A liberal arts school that I am head over heels in love with. A school that I would never, ever even dream of leaving. If I didn't get to graduate on the quad here at Regis, I would say that my college experience wasn't ever complete. And that's the problem; Regis doesn't have an in-depth arts program, least of all for film. I can't leave here. I don't want to leave here. The mere thought of it puts me in the most bummed out of moods. In fact, that thought is the reason I came back to my dorm at 10:00 at night instead of staying down at the Residence Village watching 50/50. That line of thought made me so upset I literally had to be alone for a while.
Beyond that, I can't think of anything else. I don't see good options. I mean, that's probably because I'm kind of tired, and I've been over thinking this for the greater part of today, but... I don't know.
I don't know where I want to be ten years from now. I still have these fantasies of traveling the world, studying abroad, taking a trip to Bruges, Belgium with the girl of my dreams before I'm 30, but nothing substantial. Nothing that keeps me grounded and thinking about the path to get there.
And... I'm out of things to say. There's plenty more going on in my head, to be sure, but I don't know how to write any of it. Maybe that "smoke on the horizon" was a warning (HA, I lied, there's a stupid analogy for you!) and I should have bought a fire blanket.
Until next time...
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